The Treadmill-a.k.a. The Death Machine

The dreaded machine.

I approached it carefully, with a sinking heart.

"Do I really have to work out today?"

Suddenly, I felt sick and hungry at the same time.

I couldn't possibly run right then! Inconceivable!

But my colleague was waiting expectantly on the next death machine over.

So I step on, sadly, clutching my stomach.

And pressed a button.

It didn't work! I was saved!

Unfortunately, we tried again. Darn that macho side of me!

Why couldn't I just say, "eh. I don't feel like working out anymore. See ya later!"?

because I'd feel like a weenie.

Or, more of a weenie than usual!

So onto the working death machine I went.

See, these things kill you with boredom.

What seems easy outside becomes horribly taxing inside.

What flies by outside becomes like an eternal damnation inside.

I once did 12 miles on a treadmill. At one time.

It took three treadmill switches, an iPod, and a close-captioned tv to do it.

Does that mean that I don't really like running? That, maybe, I like the scenery and the outdoor excitement despite the running?

Or is treadmill running really running?

After all, you are looking at a wall, trying not to fall off the sides-at least, those of us who can't run in a straight line - and trying not to run into the front of the machine.

I've decided that the women who saw their arms in front of them when running likely started jogging on the treadmill.

I know my arms start doing this when on the death machine-I'm trying not to hit the front.

Ouch!

At least this time, ten minutes in, I was able to chat with my colleague.

Who was running almost as fast as me.

He started running from total sedentariness eight months ago.

Sigh.

I'm a bit out of shape.

But we hung on for at least four miles, if the readout can be believed.

I claim more.

I know I'm out of shape and hate the death machine but 8:06 to 8:26 miles shouldn't be that hard-feeling!

Am I in denial? Maybe.

But considering over half the treadmills didn't even work because they had been abused so badly, my story has legs!

And I'm sticking to it.